“Using porn regularly can cause you to become increasingly self-centered. After all, when you’re in a relationship with porn, it’s all about you. Porn also plants and reinforces the idea that when it comes to sex and relationships, power and control are more important than empathy and caring. If you regularly use porn, especially during the years in which you could be learning the crucial skills that enable you to be empathetic, caring, sensitive, and loving, you can become emotionally stunted when it comes to interpersonal intimacy. Sex with your partner can become “porn sex” rather than an intimate, loving connection.”

” ‘I am looking at you right now in a sexual way whether you like it or not. Never mind the fact that I don’t know your name, care to know your name, or have any idea who you are. I don’t really care about you. You serve as an object for my sexual pleasure. I only care about how sexually aroused you can make me feel.’ This is how a former porn user describes the way he used to look at people when he was heavily into porn.”

Another useful list:

Possible Indications of a Problem with Porn.

Unexplained absences and unaccounted time

Possessing porn materials or visiting porn sites on the Internet

Excessive or late night computer use

Demanding privacy when using the TV or computer

Change in bedtime rituals

Social and emotional withdrawal

Maintaining a private e-mail address, private credit card, or private cell phone account

Vague and nonsensical explanations for behavior

Defensiveness when questioned about porn use

Evidence of hiding, lying, and secretive behavior

Unexplained tiredness, anger, and/or irritability

Increased concerns regarding sexual attractiveness and performance

Decrease in affection and nonsexual touching

Insensitive sexual comments and unusual sexual language

Lack of sexual interest and sexual functioning problems

Heightened need for sexual stimulation, contact, and release

Strong interest in unusual or objectionable sexual practices.

The book also makes note that women tend to be in denial of how bad their partners’ porn addiction is, partially because of disbelief and partially because of how well their partners deny and hide it. One woman found a box of Playboy magazines and dismissed them as a one-off, minor thing (since Playboy magazines =/= hardcore porn videos); then she found out that it was a full-blown porn addiction. A LOT of the women describe feeling distressed at being gaslit (the authors don’t use this term specifically, but that’s what it is) because they’re able to see and sense that something is wrong with their partners, but their partners constantly deny and accuse them of being jealous, insecure, or insane.

Remember, ladies, listen to your instincts. If you feel like something is wrong, then something is probably wrong.

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